Which is better?

Thursday, December 10, 2009


I got an email today with this question -


Hey Scootah. Would you mind answering a question I've always been curious about?
As a top, what's more attractive: someone who can handle a lot of pain and endure it, or someone who breaks and cries and squirms?
I realize that everybody has different limits and preferences, but the whole BDSM thing is essentially based on consent and trust - so which is the better scenario?

I answered the email to say that it's not an either or question. It's like asking if you prefer someone with a vice grip pussy or a vibrating tongue. Or a guy with an vibrating penis or a tongue that can reach his eyebrows and tie his shoelaces.

Ideally, I'm looking for a combination of the pain threshold and the great reactions. But it’s not like I make a decision one way or the other because of either characteristic. I just want to play with someone who’s fun and who’s there and in the scene with me.

One of our play partners is an absolute pain slut who completely gets off on lots and lots of pain, but squirms and dances and cries - it's fucking great fun. We do evil shit like put a nose hook in and tie the hook to the ceiling and tell him that if the nose hook comes out he’s fucking toast – just to make his dancing and squirming that little bit funnier.

Some people are very stoic about pain - we play with a guy who's really not submissive - he just really, really likes pain. So every now and then he and his girl come over and we beat the crap out of him - he goes home happy we all have a good time in the process. He doesn't move much and rarely makes a sound when we play with him - but there's an incredibly deep and rich sense of satisfaction in making him make a sound and getting the reaction. We've had him pass out from the endorphin high mid scene and the only sign he was having the time of his life (outwardly) was that he started to sway a bit right before he passed out. He is intensely ‘there’ in the scene and he’s incredibly in to what we do to him. There’s a connection as part of the play that’s really intense even though he’s stoic and reserved. And the after scene connections are really intimate and close in a way that’s really rare for two guys who aren’t fucking.

We also play with a girl who I've seen have an orgasm from having lemon juice squeezed over fresh needle piercing wounds in her nipple (shed just had a couple of dozen needle’s pushed through her nipples and pulled out, and needed the extra kick to get over the edge). She’s also one of those people will actively shit talk back to you during a scene - which is also lots of fun. Having someone look back over their shoulder as you're bringing up welts across their back and arse and ask if that's all you've got and telling you that you hit like a girl is pretty funny and really entertaining if you've got an audience and you get the satisfaction of shutting them the fuck up as well.

I couldn't say any of them are 'better' for scenes. I mean some people are complete starfish and put nothing back into the play. No emotion, no connection, no satisfaction from the whole deal. They just take what they want and walk away. And that’s not what I’m looking for when I play. But as long as there's something coming back from the person you're playing with – as long as you’re getting what you need everything can be fun if you do it right. Everybody’s kinks are different.