Friday, December 11, 2009


I was never diagnosed as having ADD or ADHD as a kid. Dad was a nurse with an intimate and very negative experience with the drugs they were giving kids when I was at the appropriate age and he always steered me away. In retrospect – I can see that my parents did all the things that you’re supposed to do with an ADD kid though, and I responded pretty well.

I still flunked year 12 because I was bored though. I wonder how I’d have done with the drugs?

A while ago, I noticed that I was having drug problems because I couldn’t pay attention worth a damn. Especially since the nature of the work I do means that I have unfiltered internet access… like right now. I struggled to focus and lost a job because of it. It contributed to my depression and anxiety problems for a while and eventually a psychologist had the idea to test me to see if maybe that was my problem.

So I jumped through all the hoops, and I’m now on Ritalin. I’ve had an amphetamine problem in the past – so I didn’t want Dexamphetamine. I’ve had suicidal impulses in the past so I didn’t want strattera, and I’ve read the components of Ritalin so I didn’t really fucking want that either. But unfortunately I was overruled. I’m still wondering why exactly it is that I can’t have fucking modafinil like I wanted, when all the literature a lay person can get hold of seems to indicate that it would be a much better targeted treatment for my symptom set, with a much less worrying side effect profile.

I’ve been on the shit for a week now and I’m seeing some changes to my behaviour – but nothing in the area that I wanted. I’m focused a bit more and I’m seeing a much smoother balance to my anti depressants. But I still can’t concentrate on boring things worth a damn. I still struggle to focus on anything that feels like work. And I can’t seem to convince myself that work is fun, no matter how hard I try. Unfortunately the more I talk to doctors about this, the more convinced I am that I know more about the drugs that they’re prescribing then they do – and that worries the shit out of me – because I really don’t know that much.

A friend told me ‘Dude, it just sounds like you’re a person to me’ and I wondered if I’m overanalysing this whole thing. Does everybody spend every day desperately trying to give a fuck long enough to get something productive done? Does everybody need a gun to their head to focus? It seems like the people I know who aren’t gulping down psychoactive prescriptions, trying to fix themselves have a much easier time doing boring things for money then I do.