Homophobia costs you more then it saves.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Before I met my wife, I used to frequent gay bars and backpackers bars. I have always maintained that if you are a straight man, and living in a town with no backpacker traffic, gay bars will be the easiest place in town to get a quick, no strings shag.

Obviously, this advice requires that your chosen gay bar not be men only. If the bar has a name like 'The Mine Shaft' and a 'No Women Allowed' sign by the door - you might want to try and find an alternate location to apply this advice. But if your gay bar is, like the majority of gay bars I've been too - open and friendly to anyone who is not an asshole, and probably playing really bad dance music, it will be full of women.

Obviously, many of those women are there to look for other women. Most towns just don't have a big enough gay community to have a really good lesbian club in addition to a really good general club. But don't give up hope. Bisexuality is ripping through the female population of the western first world like HIV through San francisco in the 80's. Everybodies got it and at least half the women in any popular gay bar are bisexual. They may not admit it infront of the other lesbians, and they may not ever go home with a guy from a bar (and they'll probably send me hatemail if they ever read this) - but deep down, a lot of those women have no particular objection to sex with guys. Add to that the inevitable hordes of fag hags who infest those bars and you have a target rich environment. Fag hags spend all their time around hot guys, drink heavily and never get laid. Their gay boyfriends will pimp them out like a used car salesman with 3 ex wives. The bisexual women who were out to find women? They might like dick - but they're not content with dick - or they wouldn't be hanging out in gay bars - they'll go away in short order to find a woman. Fag hags are all essentially in love with their boyfriend and will bugger off in fairly short order as well.

I know lots of straight men have an idea that you're either gay or your straight, that bisexuality is a myth perpetuated by girly gay men, and that a single crossing into the notion of same gender sensuality will send them crashing down into pink and mauve shirts and cocktails at a bar named after a bette middler character. But honestly, that's fucking retarded. The Kinsey scale, a basic education in biology and having once read a reasonably well laid out magazine article on child physcology, combined a functional intellect should really be enough to grasp at least in broad terms, how human sexuality works. Clearly however, for most men, it's not, but hey, as far as I'm concerned, it's their loss.

Case in point, we went out the other night, the venue was packed to the rafters with lesbians, mostly aged between 18 and 30, mostly good looking, all dressed in fetish wear, half of them a piece of string and some wishful thinking away from topless, and half of the remainder actually topless, I considered for a moment how awesome it is to be a straight man who goes to gay bars.

The club bills itself as a fetish club, but really, maybe a dozen people out of the 150 through the door actually played - and most of those are only doing light scenes. A little slap and tickle. For most of the crowd - it's just about a chance to dress up and been seen in the scene.

This particular club is run by lesbians. Hot lesbians. Not John Goodman lesbians. The type of lesbians who ride harleys around suburbia on weekdays, looking for bored housewives. And finding them. In droves. Of the 150-200 people in the club, I was probably one of the three or four most attractive men present. I'm 20lbs over weight, pasty as only a computer nerd can be, and bald. The standard for the evening was NOT high. There were only maybe 20 guys in attendance, most of them were well over 50, or looked like they'd seen the rough side of every branch on the ugly tree... and a good number of the roots.

The remaining 130-180 people in the club were women. Mostly hot women in their mid 20's and at least half of them single, and all of them at a club devoted to rough and kinky sex.

I pause now for the guys reading this to stop drooling and refocus their attention. While a good number of those women were clearly not into men, and an equally good number of them were just not looking to pick up last night - there were probably 40 or 50 good looking, kinky, dirty, bisexual women looking for somebody to fuck in that room - and maybe 5 guys who'd pass for human in the room. If a single, decent looking guy who knew how to be cool in a pansexual bar had been present - there would have been a fucking impromptu naked jelly wrestling tournament thrown open to determine which three women would get to fuck him.

I watched as my friend Mistress Rojo did a wussy scene with her boy Lucas. Rojo is one of the most interesting people I've ever met, and an absolutely lovely person as well, I'll tell her story some other time. She is normally quite an intense player - but given the tame vibe and the license requirements of the venue, it was a pretty mild scene. Mostly just to entertain the punters.