Nice guys and the friendzone.... Another shouty tirade

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

usual disclaimer. This is an angry tirade, on my blog. Shouty language and my opinion liberally supplied. If these things bother you, please feel free to bugger a hedgehog. Preferably quietly.

I see this topic cropping up again and it makes me want to weep for the species. Or set the species on fire or something. Ugh.

NiceGuy(TM) behavior is straight forward. A guy, typically cis and hetero, but not exclusively limited to those demographics, will approach a girl, again typically cis and hetero but not limited to those demos either. That guy will become friends with the girl. The girl will continue her romantic life, dating others. Sometimes those others will be abusive, or jerks or otherwise undesirable. Sometimes the guy in this scenario will simply perceive those people as 'bad boys' or 'jerks'. The girl will continue under the belief that her friend is just a friend, and will confide in him, and expect genuine friendship. The friendship may be actually one sided to the girls benefit, or may simply be perceived that way by the guy in the scenario.

What's really happening behind this top layer of interaction, is that the guy has unrequited sexual feelings for the girl. In some cases there's romantic feelings as well, but typically, it's pure lust. The 'nice guy' in this situation almost always views women as some kind of autonomous barrier that exists solely to keep him from having "The Sex" and which must be defeated through cunning and guile so that he can achieve his new in game achievement of "All The Sex!". The girl in these cases for the most part, genuinely believes that the guy is a friend and either doesn't have romantic feelings for her, has understood from the beginning of their friendship that she doesn't have romantic feelings for him, and/or is not sexually attracted to women at all.

As the "Friendship" and I use the term incredibly loosely progresses, the guy gets more and more frustrated at his inability to defeat the end boss of this level and acquire "The Sex" and develops negative feelings toward the girl, before eventually ending the friendship in a fit of negativity and bitterness, swearing to start treating women like jerks, because that's how you get "The Sex" and adopting a pronounced scowl. The guy usually makes extensive references to things like Ladder Theory or Pick up artist bullshit, laced even more heavily than usual with misogyny, while quoting The Game, by Neil Strauss as a bible while indicating with every sentance that he didn't read all the way to the end and often delving into the more obnoxious aspects of Mens Rights Activism and trolling the more obnoxious elements of Feministe and Jezabel to reinforce his warped view of women.

I really hardly know where to start with why this whole cycle is toxic, self destructive bullshit that only idiots and assholes should engage in. But lets start with the 'nice' part of it. Self described nice guys who are whining about their friendships with women? ARE NOT FUCKING NICE PEOPLE. Not fucking one of them. Shut up. You're fucking assholes. You're faking a friendship as part of an attempt to gain sex through deception, and you're pissed about the fact that those idiot fucking women not only believed you, but genuinely expected you to be their friend. You poor fucking bastard. If one in 10,000 of those friendships is 1/10,000th as one sided as you make it out to be, I'd be fucking amazed. But those friendships are because you're weak - not because you're nice. You can be the nicest person in the world, and still keep a friendship from moving into the kind of one sided user dynamic that you describe by growing a fucking spine and saying 'no' instead of constantly hoping that this favor is the one that will be repaid with "The Sex".

Nice guys, genuinely nice guys? Aren't passive aggressive whining liars. They don't use friendship as a mask for sex. And in the vast and overwhelming majority of cases? They don't struggle to find sexual partners. Nice guys are snapped up faster than any kind of asshole bad boy - because nice guys are good people and pleasant to be around. Not bitter asshats who are unable to view women as anything other than fucking sex objects. If assholes finished first, you dipshits would never have to masturbate again. Shut the fuck up.

Going on to the friend zone. You know what's fucking awesome? BEING FUCKING FRIENDS WITH A HUMAN BEING. You should try it. Here's a great way to start off, don't lie about your reasons for wanting to be someones friend and whine about the lack of sex! Then, maybe you could try being actually generous, instead of keeping a fucking ledger of times when you did something nice for your friend, versus times when that friend didn't suck your cock. That's not how friendships fucking work you asshole. A friendship is where you want someone to be happy, because you like them - not because you think that happiness might lead to your dick getting sucked.

It's a common NiceGuy(TM) assertion that men and women can't be friends, or at least not if they're heterosexual. That phrase? That's bullshit. What you mean is that you're a shallow moron and you can't be friends with someone if they give you an erection. That's not a reflection on men and women as groups, or the cultural experience of the masses. That's you, being an emotional cripple. Stop it.

NiceGuy(TM)'s also commonly cite the relationship effect - or the widely discussed phenomenon of guys being more attractive to women when they're in an exclusive relationship. Allow me to explain what's actually happening here. When you're not in a relationship, you tend to act like a desperate ass clown and creep people the fuck out. Loneliness and arousal combine with your native levels of testosterone and make you a fucking idiot. Then somehow, presumably with the aid of rufies, you find someone who sees past that bullshit and lets you in. You relax. You stop acting like a jackass. You stop trying to sleaze your way into every vagina within five miles simultaneously and you act like a person. During that time, women find you more attractive, because you're not acting like an awful human being. This isn't women being shallow whores, this is you not being utterly repugnant for the first time in a while. You can get the same effect by jerking off 15 or 16 times in a row, and then going out and acting like a person who wants to hang out with people and have a good time - instead of like a giant throbbing erection with no conscience.

Passive aggressive, pity me, please pity me, emotional blackmail bullshit. If you've ever blamed someone for your mental health, because they weren't in love with you (or just wouldn't sleep with you), or threatened to start treating women like an asshole for the same reason, or gone on a desperate crusade for pity sex? And at the same time described yourself as a nice guy? I hope you get run over by a bus. Your behavior would be contemptible and juvenile from a 9 year old. Coming from an adult, it's pathetic and infuriating. Grow up. Your mental health? Is on you to manage it. Your happiness? On you. Your decision to be a 'nice guy' or an asshole? On you. Not on the women in your life. What next, are you going to hold your breath until you go blue unless you get a blow job?

A brief note on Pickup artists - Please, for fuck sake, read The Game to the end. Really, the last 40 pages are important. I know that Style and Lisa broke up after a few years and he's back slicing money out of PUA wannabes. But the fact that after his relationship went south, he caved under the dump truck of money that was on offer for sacrificing a few ethics doesn't diminish the worth of the message, or the significance of the how the message of 'The Game' changes when you read about the relationship with Lisa. And then remember that at best, PUA bullshit is soft pseudo scientific attempts to mimic naturals mushed up with a lot of bullshit and misogyny. The most effective game will always be being a better person and learning to communicate honestly and authentically.

Using the comments of feminist blogs to justify your misogyny is like using 4chan to justify turning off the internet. Feministe's comments are plagued by extremist second wave types who don't reflect the majority of feminists or women in any meaningful way, and Jezabel is run by Gawker, and is therefore unavoidably awful. The gawker formula is to be a snarky jerk to bait controversy because controversy drives traffic. Jezabel's publishing strategy heavily relies on using controversy and fabricated 'beefs' to drive page views. It's all calculated to enrage everyone who looks at it.

Men's rights activists? Everything you hate about feminism is equally true about you. If you really have your panties up in a bunch, maybe you could try working for a little credibility by being equality activists and occasionally showing a little interest in a cause other than your own contrarian whining.

If you have someone in your life who whines about being a nice guy and finishing last? Cut them out of your life. More than anything, they need something to prompt them to actually look for something better to do with their energies.

If you are a self described 'nice guy' who feels the urge to whine about finishing last? Please, please understand - your shitty attitude won't get you anywhere you actually want to be. If you're unhappy with where you are in your romantic life and you think it's because you're 'too nice'? It's not. Work on communicating with people better, work on being a better person, and try and remember that the people you want to be physically and romantically intimate with? They're people. Human beings. Not a puzzle to solve. Not a game achievement to earn. Not another species or the enemy. People. Connecting with other human beings and finding partners you connect with and who's company you enjoy? Much easier if you remember that they're people.