I’m Special.

Friday, December 4, 2009

This was written in late 2004. It’s still a good story though.

I am currently taking ice skating lessons. I was a childhood klutz. I fucked up my leg while riding my bike when I was 6 and was always kind of nervous about anything involving me on wheels afterwards(strangely, I could rock climb/abseil/skydive with no fear at all, but anything involving me on wheels and I turned into a pussy) - and as such never learned to skate.

So now at age 24, I resolve to confront my fear, unable to find rollerblading lessons, I started taking ice skating lessons (yes I'm aware of the stupidity inherent, scared of wheels so I strap knives to my feet). The last time I tried to ice skate, I was 15. I managed to fall and shred my jeans with my own skate, actually splitting the skin on my nuts and down the inside of my leg with my own skate - almost no blood - but never the less, almost cutting off my own nuts with my ice skate.

And yet, I'm voluntarily trying this shit again. When wife and I saw ice skating lessons at the rink near us we decided to try it out - we rang and asked, they said lots of adults do it. They also said everybody on the ice must wear a helmet. We showed up first week, including the instructors, not a soul over 16 on the ice. Even the people teaching the classes were still in fucking high school. And nobody else has a helmet. (adult instructors arrived later, I am not in adult instructors class, I am being taught by 15 year old, fuck). We start the lessons. I am unco as fuck. I get relegated to the tiny totts class.

I am so bad, they put me in a group composed kids who are 5 year olds and under. They are better then me. I am too stubborn to let 5 year olds beat me, I keep going to weekly lessons. My wife starts skipping lessons because she is tired, or so I can catch up to her skill level. This means I am the only adult in a class full of 5 year olds, being taught by someone who is too young to drive. I remain too stubborn to quit. 10 year olds come up during lessons and give me encouragement. 10 year olds are too nice to laugh in my face, and apologize for making fun of me. 5 year olds however freely mock me - because they can skate away faster then I can lunge after them to beat them. Bastards. I remain too stubborn to quit. Various parents and other adults begin to join in classes, inspired by my stubborn yet dorky example. I am the spiritual leader of  geriatric dork klutzes. fucking perfect.