Snickers, really satisfies

Monday, December 7, 2009

My friend Snickers got married a few years ago to the Princess. Their wedding still resounds with me as one of the top five most surreal, relatively sober occasions in my life.

Snickers is a weird guy. He's very religious, but he firmly believes that you should never share your religious opinions with anyone who hasn't asked about them. He grew up poor, Middle child in a family of 15. His dad was an Irish born Lay Preacher and itinerant missionary/alcoholic and His mother was a housewife before she died in childbirth with the last kid.

At 14 or 15 snickers left home to travel with a touring ethnic boxing troupe as the only Caucasian in the troupe, doing shows at outback rodeo's and shit, sending all his money back to his ridiculous family so they could eat while his sisters raised his Siblings and his brothers who were old enough ran off to join outlaw motorcycle gangs. After he got his teaching degree through external study (while working two full time jobs to help his ghetto ass family) he started working in youth shelters and teaching at Juvie hall.

The Princess is from an old money family. Apart from intermittent stints in Academia, nobody in the last three generations of the Princess' family has actually worked. The last person in the family that actually worked was the guy who ran a bank in Europe somewhere. Before that her family owned a big chunk of the Dutch east India company. the Princess had poor little rich girl guilt and did volunteer work at youth shelters where she met and fell for Snickers.

The marriage was naturally on the Princess’ family estate (a huge acreage with full time butlers and shit where the families staff raises race horses). Her parents built a Chapel specifically for the event and catered the whole huge fairy tale style wedding, with some of the richest and most influential people in the country in attendance on the brides side. The ceremony itself was fairly tame, but kind of tense. On the brides side was the upper crust of White Australia's snobbery. On the grooms side was a fine collection of unwashed, toothless rednecks, outlaw bikers, native aboriginals who had literally NEVER seen so many people gathered before.

Highlights of the wedding reception included a 16 piece orchestra and 12 part choir, the impromptu boxing display featuring the former members of the grooms youth boxing troupe, the bride's 125lb upper crust father getting wasted on red wine and getting into a political argument and resulting brawl with the groom's father and oldest brother (who were both over 200lbs) and winning. The groom getting hammered on red wine and punching a federal member of parliament who drunkenly felt up the bride. The second eldest brother of the groom doing burnouts on his Harley on the immaculately landscaped front lawn of the brides family estate, including burning the initials of the bridge and groom in 10' letters inside a giant heart.

The police arrived towards the end of the festivities to arrest 3 members of the groom's family on outstanding warrants (including 2 counts of murder against the brother who did the burn outs). The Bride's mother had to be restrained and temporarily handcuffed when she tried to prevent the police from “takin’ little wuzzhisface because he's sush a nihce boy who couldn'a possibee ha dun whut theysa said he dun did!”

The Bride's father declared it to be 'the best party we've ever had' extended a general invitation to the Groom's family to come and visit any time. They bring their trailers and motor homes down every summer since and camp out on the lawns and get wasted on red wine with the bride's family for a month or so.