Give her a kick in the box and tell her to shut the fuck up

I'd like to note that some of the people reading this are going to get sand in their vagina's and take my abstract rants as personal attacks. To those people, I'd refer you to some fairly famous Carly Simon lyrics. This song is not about you. But hey, feel free to get sand up your vagina if you feel the need.

That said, the drama llama has been doing his quarterly visit to South East Queensland lately. I'm thinking seriously about hanging out some llama baits and hiding up a nearby tree with a shotgun - cause christ I'm sick of this shit.

"He's a bad person, if you're friends with him, you can't be friends with us."

No, I can't be friends with you because you're acting like a 9th grader with her first bout of PMS. Fuck off with that bullshit. I don't care of your relationships has dissolved, or if he kicked your dog, or if he gave your mum herpes. I'll make the decision about who I'm friends with based on my interactions with them. Not yours. And it's ludicrous to expect me to pick my friends based on your say-so.

"I'm a poor innocent, won't somebody help me!"

Wait, did you safeword? Were you pissed off about this 10 minutes after the fact? What about the next day? Oh, you loved the entire scene until a week later, you got your panties in a bunch when some third party said something on the internet that made you paranoid? And now you want me to stick my nose into a situation to help make you look good and somebody else look bad, in regards to a situation that I had no involvement with, when you were happy as a clam until somebody said something that made you a bit twitchy? Riiight.

"All members of <Gender> are <something bad> because of <something stupid>"

Maybe if you hosed that sand out of your vagina, you'd get laid more and get over this bullshit. Plenty of people are stupid. Plenty of stupids have done 'something bad' - but frankly, their shared gender is far less relevant a connection to your problems with those stupids who did something bad than their shared association with you. Projecting your poor decision making regarding the character of people you associate with onto an entire gender is offensive and fucking stupid. Stop it.

"I'm a dominate!"

No, you're semi-literate.

"Nobody likes me because I'm old/young/a Sagittarius"

No, nobody likes you because you're not very likable. Plenty of old people, young people and Sagittarians get on just fine in the community without any of the problems you're having. Because they're not annoying. You're annoying in a way that's associated with being an old/young/Sagittarian and you're mistaking the fact that you're living up to a negative stereo type for those people being prejudiced against you.

"I've got too much free time to spend on the internet, so I'm going to manipulate people to create drama for my entertainment and to make me feel important."

There's a lot of house bounds or 'Pros' who fall into this category. Too invested in being entertained by the drama in the scene to survive without the drama and not enough other shit going on to keep them busy. Get a fucking new hobby - one that isn't 'provoking fights on the intarwebs'. FFS.

n.b. If you're a Pro or a housebound who just got sand up your vagina about the above comment - chances are I was talking about you. Otherwise you'd recognise that someone can criticize a group that you belong to without criticizing you. The reference to 'Pro' in the above statement was a description of a certain group of people who take the occasional paying submissive, but are about as professional as a 'Yo Mamma' joke.

"I base my kink on a set of arbitrary rules and expectations laid out in a work of fiction, intended to depict a fantasy world entirely disconnected from reality, and people make fun of me!"

No Shit. Srsly?

You've got a profile with 120 pictures and none of them are you? None of them even resemble you? They're all pictures of some cross dressing idiot with a sword riding a giant eagle in a world where all women are slaves, and people make fun of you? Oh my god that's horrible.

You probably didn't catch it, but that was sarcasm. If you do something ridiculous, people may not respect you and may well even laugh at you. Welcome to the real world - where our kinky sex lives revolve around the people we have kinky sex with, and the rules we've negotiated with them. Not the pretence that we're born warriors from a planet on the other side of the sun, or giant giraffes - and a set of rules dreamed up by a second rate sci-fi author in the 70's.

And if you're going to play pretend, I don't have any problem with that. But please try and keep track of the fact that you're playing goddamn pretend. You are NOT a giraffe/human hybrid from the planet Bleezel, you might be pretending to be, but you're not.

And unless you're a giraffe human hybrid from the planet Bleezel who plans on sucking my dick, I have no motivation to play pretendsies with you. Interact with me like a person and don't expect me to acknowledge your hierarchy in the herd, your status as a warrior or the fact that my She-Giraffe should be behaving differently. Very few BDSM parties are run by the Great herd of Bleezel and unless we're at one where that is the case - chances are you're at a party where the vast majority of the audience doesn't care about your herd, your giant flying birdy or the fact that you're the dominant warrior of the giraffe herd.

"I've been doing this for 92 years!"

That's funny, I was there when you started doing this and it was less than 18 months ago. Have you figured out some kind of time machine? Can I borrow it?

If you're going to lie - try not to pick lies that your audience knows are lies. 'I was in great shape a few years before I met you' is a plausible lie. 'I was a purely heterosexual male Pro Dom making $200,000 a year as an expert Master for the 18 years before I met you, even though I was introduced to you 6 months ago as 'at my first party' and had clearly never held a flogger before' doesn't fly so well. Especially when you're still visibly only border-line competent. And Ugly.

Male escorts who Pro Dom do exist. But they're rare. They very, very rarely cater to an exclusively female clientele and if they suck a LOT of dick as part of their business model - it's unlikely that they out-earn their female counterparts. And the guys who do make it work in that industry are almost without exception good looking guys. Being podgy, middle aged, balding and not terribly attractive on your best day - doesn't sell the bullshit.

'I was adopted into a native American tribe' is also a poor lie, Australian aboriginal tribes sometimes do that, Native American tribes? Not so much. As was 'I spend 20 years living in Japan learning Martial Arts with a Shinto master, 20 years in the navy as a special forces mercenary, 20 years in a gorean village in Dakota and 20 years 'maintaining' the harem of an Indian Mogul who was unable to look after them himself, if you know what I mean' is also a poor lie. Especially when you're only 65.

Why can't we all be who we are and get along? I'm fat, bald, and I've been playing for a long time - but for a fair bit of that time, I was an idiot. I made some money from doing something stupidly dangerous in the industry for a while. If anybody is impressed by me - I hope it's because they've seen what I've been up to lately, and been impressed. Not because they heard that 15 years ago I had a 14 inch (diameter) vibrating penis and ejaculated chocolate.

Mini Dom/me, Tiny Dom/me, Baby Dom/me - Ugh

Is it just me that gets creeped out by people who project sexual roles on their kids? I mean nobody looks at little sally and say 'Oh, there's a tiny little reverse cowgirl! She'll ride cock's like they're a fair ground ride' or 'Look at little Tommy, he's such a little carpet muncher. He'll spend half his life flossing pubes out. But for some reason - so many parents in the scene have this obsessive idea that their child is a tiny/born dominant.

Here's the thing. Lots of kids go through a stage where they're pushy, arrogant, demanding. They're not being dominant. They're establishing boundaries.

Your 6 year old? Not a dominant. Just a pushy kid. Learning the boundaries. Demanding. Perhaps over exposed to your lifestyle. Perhaps over familliar with the use of rope and riding crops. Perhaps mimicking the mannerisms of a strong figure in said child's life.

It's not indictitive of your child's character, sexual identity or ultimate destiny to follow in your perverse sexual footprints. It's just kid behavior. That's why there are a million tiny dominants out there and very few people coo'ing over their grade schooler's submissive proclivities 'Oh, little sally's going to grow up to be such a good little slave for her Master' is much less common then 'Oh, Little Betsy's going to be a bitch of a Domina when she's all grown up. She'll be hell on her boyfriends.'

I wonder what that says about us as a group, and about the children of perverts.

Buying a Violet Wand

This comes with some caveats. I have NOTHING TO DO with the person running the store I'm about to link to. I have never met the operator, and have no business connection with her other than being a satisfied customer. If the store operator kicks your dog or sodomizes your aunt Jane - please note that I take no responsibility.

That said, we bought one of our wands from her about 2 years ago. Two or three of our friends have bought wands from her since and have had experiences consistent with ours.

Slavic Beauty on Ebay

The kits from this vendor that we've had first hand experience with are less powerful than our antique units, and some other modern units that we've played with. But they are in our experience reliable and well priced. We have a custom milled copper infuser wand to give this kit some additional zap and we like that it's robustly made, travels well and great for taking with us to play parties.

The person who milled our infuser wand isn't taking commissions - he's just a bloke who had a metal lathe and calipers handy when we asked the question, and was nice enough to help us out. If you want to offer him a truly ludicrous amount of money persuading him to make it a commercial enterprise, let us know and we'll see if he's interested. For a very reasonable percentage of the transaction.

Again, I'd like to stress that I have NOTHING AT ALL to do with Slavic Beauty. It's just that a lot of people have asked us for the link to her store and this seems easier than emailing a dozen people after every party where we get the kit out.

The more expensive modern violet wand units that you see around for sale are usually modified neon testing units that are hard to get hold of and expensive due to scarcity. They're nice kit, but they're expensive. They're easy to find through google and the question is really just about how many times you want to mortgage your house for a really fun bit of kit. We're cheapskates - so we can't recommend any one vendor over another in that department. Google truly is your friend.

If you're looking to buy antique units, it helps to speak or at least read German. German ebay is consistently where we find the best prices when we're looking at antique units. We don't speak German, so we harass one of our friends who does when we're looking at antique units. If you don't speak German, you'll have to find your own multi lingual friend to help you read listings, as ours are busy.

Antique kit vendors tend to either be expensive, or not terribly reliable about having stock listed/on hand and ready for sale - so we can't recommend specific sellers. But we would stress that Ze Germans are consistently cheaper then any of the english language listings that we can find, and restoring and reselling kits seems to be a bit of a national past time.

First they came for the porn importers

 

As I read about the current state of Australian censorship, in which pornographic images depicting characters from the Simpsons are considered child pornography. In which depictions of models over the age of 18, no more misleadingly edited then any other image published in pornography (oh, she's had her complexion flaws airbrushed in post production - and you think that the lack of visible pimples makes her look MORE like a teenager?) is considered to depict someone under the age of 18 (it depicts a model, who's over 18, how the fuck does it depict someone under the age of 18?) and video games which will be played primarily by men aged 18-34 and could legally only be sold or rented to people over the age of 18 are considered too harmful to children to be classified - I can't help but wonder if I'm living in the right country.

It bothers me that the government is intending to force import restriction level censorship on the internet. It bothers me that those restrictions are so impractical that they cannot help but have a vast range of false positive. It bothers me that they are so expensive and so ineffective that all they truly do is make criminals of honest people. It bothers me that Australia's already limited bandwidth capacity will take a massive speed hit. It bothers me that the obvious ways to avoid these solutions will make investigation of cyber crime virtually impossible. It bothers me that the obvious ways to avoid these restrictions were developed to bring democratic freedom to dictatorships and fundamentalist nations. It bothers me that no deployment of nationalized internet filtering has EVER been implemented without it being misused to suppress political opposition.

But mostly it bothers me because as a grown adult - my government shouldn't be determining what ideas I can and can't be exposed to. My government shouldn't be limiting what filmed actions of consenting adults are suitable for my exposure. And it bothers me that my government having determined that I'm too feeble minded to be exposed to these ideas, has started off with pornography - but continues to allow increasingly graphic violence to be shown to increasingly younger audiences.

I voted for this government. I voted for a leftist government with an eye towards increased social freedoms and a reduction of war mongering and repression of the rights of minorities. I recognized that I was trading a government with excellent fiscal policies for a government with I believed, better social policies. I'm increasingly finding that despite the campaign material - what I voted for was a right wing theocracy masquerading as the left wing moderates.

Stop the country. I want to get off. Without having to explain to a government censor that the video I'm watching is of a petite and youthful appearing 23 year old who gave her full legal consent to having the video taken, and that's neither illegal nor immoral under any reasonable interpretation of the law or common sense.