Give her a kick in the box and tell her to shut the fuck up

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I'd like to note that some of the people reading this are going to get sand in their vagina's and take my abstract rants as personal attacks. To those people, I'd refer you to some fairly famous Carly Simon lyrics. This song is not about you. But hey, feel free to get sand up your vagina if you feel the need.

That said, the drama llama has been doing his quarterly visit to South East Queensland lately. I'm thinking seriously about hanging out some llama baits and hiding up a nearby tree with a shotgun - cause christ I'm sick of this shit.

"He's a bad person, if you're friends with him, you can't be friends with us."

No, I can't be friends with you because you're acting like a 9th grader with her first bout of PMS. Fuck off with that bullshit. I don't care of your relationships has dissolved, or if he kicked your dog, or if he gave your mum herpes. I'll make the decision about who I'm friends with based on my interactions with them. Not yours. And it's ludicrous to expect me to pick my friends based on your say-so.

"I'm a poor innocent, won't somebody help me!"

Wait, did you safeword? Were you pissed off about this 10 minutes after the fact? What about the next day? Oh, you loved the entire scene until a week later, you got your panties in a bunch when some third party said something on the internet that made you paranoid? And now you want me to stick my nose into a situation to help make you look good and somebody else look bad, in regards to a situation that I had no involvement with, when you were happy as a clam until somebody said something that made you a bit twitchy? Riiight.

"All members of <Gender> are <something bad> because of <something stupid>"

Maybe if you hosed that sand out of your vagina, you'd get laid more and get over this bullshit. Plenty of people are stupid. Plenty of stupids have done 'something bad' - but frankly, their shared gender is far less relevant a connection to your problems with those stupids who did something bad than their shared association with you. Projecting your poor decision making regarding the character of people you associate with onto an entire gender is offensive and fucking stupid. Stop it.

"I'm a dominate!"

No, you're semi-literate.

"Nobody likes me because I'm old/young/a Sagittarius"

No, nobody likes you because you're not very likable. Plenty of old people, young people and Sagittarians get on just fine in the community without any of the problems you're having. Because they're not annoying. You're annoying in a way that's associated with being an old/young/Sagittarian and you're mistaking the fact that you're living up to a negative stereo type for those people being prejudiced against you.

"I've got too much free time to spend on the internet, so I'm going to manipulate people to create drama for my entertainment and to make me feel important."

There's a lot of house bounds or 'Pros' who fall into this category. Too invested in being entertained by the drama in the scene to survive without the drama and not enough other shit going on to keep them busy. Get a fucking new hobby - one that isn't 'provoking fights on the intarwebs'. FFS.

n.b. If you're a Pro or a housebound who just got sand up your vagina about the above comment - chances are I was talking about you. Otherwise you'd recognise that someone can criticize a group that you belong to without criticizing you. The reference to 'Pro' in the above statement was a description of a certain group of people who take the occasional paying submissive, but are about as professional as a 'Yo Mamma' joke.

"I base my kink on a set of arbitrary rules and expectations laid out in a work of fiction, intended to depict a fantasy world entirely disconnected from reality, and people make fun of me!"

No Shit. Srsly?

You've got a profile with 120 pictures and none of them are you? None of them even resemble you? They're all pictures of some cross dressing idiot with a sword riding a giant eagle in a world where all women are slaves, and people make fun of you? Oh my god that's horrible.

You probably didn't catch it, but that was sarcasm. If you do something ridiculous, people may not respect you and may well even laugh at you. Welcome to the real world - where our kinky sex lives revolve around the people we have kinky sex with, and the rules we've negotiated with them. Not the pretence that we're born warriors from a planet on the other side of the sun, or giant giraffes - and a set of rules dreamed up by a second rate sci-fi author in the 70's.

And if you're going to play pretend, I don't have any problem with that. But please try and keep track of the fact that you're playing goddamn pretend. You are NOT a giraffe/human hybrid from the planet Bleezel, you might be pretending to be, but you're not.

And unless you're a giraffe human hybrid from the planet Bleezel who plans on sucking my dick, I have no motivation to play pretendsies with you. Interact with me like a person and don't expect me to acknowledge your hierarchy in the herd, your status as a warrior or the fact that my She-Giraffe should be behaving differently. Very few BDSM parties are run by the Great herd of Bleezel and unless we're at one where that is the case - chances are you're at a party where the vast majority of the audience doesn't care about your herd, your giant flying birdy or the fact that you're the dominant warrior of the giraffe herd.

"I've been doing this for 92 years!"

That's funny, I was there when you started doing this and it was less than 18 months ago. Have you figured out some kind of time machine? Can I borrow it?

If you're going to lie - try not to pick lies that your audience knows are lies. 'I was in great shape a few years before I met you' is a plausible lie. 'I was a purely heterosexual male Pro Dom making $200,000 a year as an expert Master for the 18 years before I met you, even though I was introduced to you 6 months ago as 'at my first party' and had clearly never held a flogger before' doesn't fly so well. Especially when you're still visibly only border-line competent. And Ugly.

Male escorts who Pro Dom do exist. But they're rare. They very, very rarely cater to an exclusively female clientele and if they suck a LOT of dick as part of their business model - it's unlikely that they out-earn their female counterparts. And the guys who do make it work in that industry are almost without exception good looking guys. Being podgy, middle aged, balding and not terribly attractive on your best day - doesn't sell the bullshit.

'I was adopted into a native American tribe' is also a poor lie, Australian aboriginal tribes sometimes do that, Native American tribes? Not so much. As was 'I spend 20 years living in Japan learning Martial Arts with a Shinto master, 20 years in the navy as a special forces mercenary, 20 years in a gorean village in Dakota and 20 years 'maintaining' the harem of an Indian Mogul who was unable to look after them himself, if you know what I mean' is also a poor lie. Especially when you're only 65.

Why can't we all be who we are and get along? I'm fat, bald, and I've been playing for a long time - but for a fair bit of that time, I was an idiot. I made some money from doing something stupidly dangerous in the industry for a while. If anybody is impressed by me - I hope it's because they've seen what I've been up to lately, and been impressed. Not because they heard that 15 years ago I had a 14 inch (diameter) vibrating penis and ejaculated chocolate.