Blind Date

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I’d completely forgotten this story until I found it in the archives from the forums. This took place in about 2001/2002 I think.

I was once the wing man for my former roommate 'Ben'. Ben is from Australia's gold coast, and he is every cliche you care to mention. He is a shaggy haired blond guy with Tan, he plays bass for a band and is an environmental science / philosophy major, despite having such worthless majors he is surprisingly intelligent and all of my female friends have rated him high 4 star or better.

Ben desperately wanted to fuck some chick, and because I happened to be home and not busy when the girl in question told him she would come out, but she would be bringing her friend 'Dee' with her, promptly volunteered me to be his wing man, after reminding me that he'd had to take cold showers 3 days in a row because I'd used all the goddamn hot water.

Ben is one of those obnoxious people who will NEVER tell you that someone is ugly. He will always dwell on their good points because he is basically a little bitch and feels bad if he contributes to someone not being liked, so it shocked the fuck out of me when he warned me that 'Dee' was in one of his classes and I would probably fucking hate her, but begs me to be nice to her long enough for him to seal the deal. I assume she has a beard and a lazy eye or something and brace myself with a shot of vodka before we leave.

We got to the Bar and have downed our initial shots and started on beers when two girls arrive at the mostly empty bar, one calls out Ben's name in greeting. I turned and looked, one unquestionable 5 star, easily the best looking woman I had ever seen in a shitty student bar, and one low 4 star wearing a Pixies t-shirt, no where near par with the first, but easily the second best looking woman in the bar at the time.

I assumed naturally that the 5 star was the Ben's target, but hey the other one is still well above average and has excellent music taste. I was mentally thanking jeebus for whatever the fuck I'd done right when the 4 star bounced over and gave Ben a big hug and started flirting with him. I was instantly wary. Karma had to be fucking with me. There's no way a mind blowing 5 star needs her friends to find a guy with a wingman unless there's something seriously wrong with the bitch. Little did I know.

The evening started normally enough, she seemed like a relatively normal human being, maybe she has herpes, maybe she has 6 children from different fathers, maybe she's a lesbian and this is all just some cruel prank to get revenge for the hot water thing. Then out of nowhere, at the table next to ours, somebody mentions that they saw some politician opening some building or something. I see Ben cringe.

Miss 5 star whirls on the poor unsuspecting guy at the table next to us and unleashes her first salvo. The bitch started quoting Karl Marx passages on Class. This mind blowing body is attached to a goddamn communist. Her rant lasts for at least 10 minutes before the guys at the table next to ours give up trying to argue with her and just leave. I am jaw dropped. She goes after them pulling something out of her bag. Socialist party propaganda. She insists on handing them pro revolutionary material. I am cringing and and trying to drink myself deaf so I can appreciate her tits without having to listen to this shit.

She comes back and launches into an extended rant about what assholes those guys were. Ben is giving me the look which translates to 'Please don't fuck this up for me.' I am out of alcohol, so I offer to buy her a drink - hoping it will shut her up or at least chill her the fuck out a little. She turns on me. My little communist 5 star is also a femminazi. A RAGING femminazi. She barely draws breath while chastising me for being as big an asshole as those machine supporting assholes who left with my sexist and patronizing implications that she needs my money.

I roll my eyes and go the bar to get my own drink, knowing that anything I say will set this off further. I come back to the table, she is subjecting Ben and the 4 star to a diatribe about the evils of men and her theories that men will be made redundant in the next 3 generations and a purely female society will emerge into communistic utopia. I roll my eyes and drink quickly. She ends her diatribe with a comment that she is thirsty and is going to the bar to get her own drink, with a pointed glare at my chauvinistic ass.

I drink faster, hoping to not be able to hear by the time she gets back. The bar is now starting to get busy, and by the time she gets back I am finished my drink and immediately head to the bar for another. By the time I get back, Miss 5 star is staggeringly drunk and laughing obnoxiously. She is also trying to flirt in a very direct manner, with a support beam. I ask the 4 star what the hell she had to drink. Apparently it was a long island ice tea, it is all gone. I get the feeling the bartender, hoping to butter up a 5 star made it extra strong.

Ben and the 4 star have advanced to moderate making out, I drink more and watch miss 5 star molest the support beam. I give Ben a look which should convey 'Close the deal and lets get out of here' - he takes 4star by the hand and stands up... and then goes to dance. I drink more. I pour myself a drink from the pitcher of whatever the fuck he's drinking, its the least he can do for making me be nice to a communist femminazi. The communist staggers back over to the table and picks up my drink from the table and chugs it. Strangely enough - a large quantity of alcohol turns an offensively stupid mega-bitch into a barbie whore.

She decides that I am a suitable replacement for the support beam and starts flirting with me. By flirting I mean air humping the chair next to me and asking where I live. Ben and his 4star come back. I suggest we go home and hang out there. As grenades go, drunk, slutty and hot is certainly a fuck sight better then hell bitch or bearded lady - I've got something to gag her with at home if worst comes to worst. Its possible that I should have considered from her abrupt personality change that maybe these mood swings would continue, but irritation and alcohol do not combine to bestow on me great foresight.

We get home and Ben and his 4star immediately go to his bedroom. Thin walls lead me to believe that they aren't wasting any time. Drunk and Obnoxious whore asks where the bedroom is. We get to the bedroom and I start to take my shirt off. She bursts into tears and sits on the bed. I am confused, I put my shirt back on, but the tears continue, I know I'm not Brad Pitt lady, but what the fuck. She confesses that she just broke up with a long time boyfriend (I assume he was deaf or a retard), and its all really weird and she thinks the alcohol might be reacting with her bipolar medication. Ding! so many mysteries answered.

She tells me she is sleepy and wants to lie down. I say fine and go to get her a glass of water. Curse my stupid sympathetic ass. She is unconscious when I get back. I roll her on her side to decrease chance of drowning in her own vomit and go downstairs to play some computer game. Thin walls tell me that Ben and his 4 star are still fucking/fucking again when I go up to check on her a few hours later to make sure she hasn't died in my bed. She hasn't. She has thrown up though. Lovely. I sleep on the couch. The next morning when I wake up she is gone. Vomit still covers my sheets. Thin walls tell me that Ben and the four star are either still fucking, or fucking again.

I go and clean up my sheets, reminding myself that I used all the goddamn hot water 3 days in a row. Karma's sole redemption is that my mattress is undamaged. Ben and the four star emerge eventually, I tell Ben about the events of the evening. Four star hears and offers to pay for the cleaning. I am a fucking pussy and tell her that it's ok, as long as I never have to see that communist bitch again.

If this was a normal morality tale, I’d say I never used all the hot water again. But I really like long hot showers.