Fucking banks.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dear bank name comma

In the last few months I have been making service of a bank name visa debit card full stop The product itself is excellent but bank name customer service puts me in mind of being beaten with a dead cat full stop

Nothing ever works the first time full stop

Getting my card set up for use and phone banking was an exercise like drawing teeth that required visits to a branch and multiple phone calls full stop When I eventually tried to use my card to pay for a taxi hyphen my transaction was declined hyphen 20 minutes on hold later I finally managed to find someone who realized that oops comma a button had not been selected full stop No offer was made to compensate me for the 20 minutes of meter running in a taxi while I waited for bank name to correct their own error exclamation

Not 5 minutes later comma trying to check into my hotel hyphen the card was again denied full stop After a 40 minute phone call hyphen another bank name oopsie was fixed full stop Already short on time comma I had now spent an hour embarrassed and on the phone hyphen hoping that any time now I would be able to access my money and get some sleep full stop

The next morning after checking out of the hotel comma I caught a taxi to the airport and discovered that pre hyphen authorizations decrease my balance even after the final transaction is processed comma leaving me overdrawn full stop As this event happened at 5:30 in the morning comma the only person I could speak too hyphen as I tried to pay for my taxi with the only funds I had available was a lost credit card security point hyphen who was completely useless and appallingly rude full stop She suggested that I call back after 9:00 AM so that I could access my money and pay for the taxi that I was in comma at the airport about to board another flight full stop I was forced to under pay the taxi driver and leave him an IOU for my next trip through town full stop

When next I called bank name to check my balance comma I was informed that my pin had expired hyphen I have to change my bloody pin number every 5 weeks question mark Surely god this was a joke full stop When I eventually spoke to someone hyphen I advised her that I just wanted my balance and she offered to transfer me to the phone system where I could enter my pin and receive the information full stop After pointing out that the pin I had entered had apparently expired and I had been redirected to her hyphen she advised me that I must have incorrectly entered my pin full stop When asked why the IVR had replied that my pin number had expired instead of that it was incorrect comma she was unsure full stop Not willing to admit that she was wrong comma but unsure full stop

She then proceeded to ask me a number of authentication questions to try and give me balance directly comma including asking if I knew what my balance was exclamation I would stress that this was after repeated conversational mentions of the fact that I just wanted to know my balance full stop

Since I didn apostrophe t know my balance comma she was unable to give me my balance and also unable to reset my pin full stop I apostrophe m not sure if the frustration of this moment is entirely clear hyphen but this circular logic trap seems like surely it should have an available work around hyphen perhaps an option for the operator to request another question instead question mark

On my next call comma the randomly selected questions did not include apostrophe please provide the information that you are calling to obtain apostrophe and I was eventually hyphen with not inconsiderable difficulty obtain my balance and reset my pin full stop I was only able to alleviate my migraine with the aid of strong pain killers and a stiff drink full stop

So endeared towards bank name by my experiences comma I reviewed my personal finances hyphen which I agree are in an undesirable state and decided that a consolidation loan would be an excellent way to reduce my monthly payment burden and make my record keeping substantially more clear full stop

I was just called by a lovely comma but completely useless gentleman who asked me to enter my bank name identification number hyphen as I was at work at the time comma I did not have my wallet with me and advised him of such full stop He then proceeded to ask me approximately 15 questions hyphen including asking for a home phone number hyphen despite the fact that my home phone has been disconnected since well prior to the establishment of my accounts with bank name and my driver apostrophe s license number full stop Unfortunately my driver apostrophe s license tends to reside in close proximity to my wallet so this I was also ubank namele to provide him full stop However I established my name comma date of birth comma place of residence comma details of my accounts with bank name including other parties sharing the account comma details of my employment history and short of a DNA sample hyphen every piece of identifying information that could be reasonably known by a person not currently in possession of their wallet full stop I was advised that this was insufficient for him to continue discussion of my loan application or update my details to reflect the fact that I haven apostrophe t had a home phone number in the time that I apostrophe ve had an account and that he would be unable to call me open bracket or arrange for someone to call me close bracket when I had finished work this evening full stop He also advised me that because my home comma an asset worth some dollar sign 100 comma 000 more than is currently owed against it is jointly owned comma it would be considered a dollar sign 200 comma 000 debt when considering my financial position full stop I have apparently moved from being in the black regarding my overall financial position but poorly positioned in terms of cash flow and seeking are hyphen adjustment bring my payments into a manageable structure comma to being virtually bankrupt and I assume an absolutely untenable loan prospect full stop

Unfortunately comma as I apostrophe m at work hyphen debilitating pain killers and a stiff drink aren apostrophe t currently an option full stop

I then discovered your web hyphen page requires me to provide you with not only an unreasonable amount of information that is hardly relevant to my complaint hyphen but defaults to opt me in for a spam email list exclamation

I also fully expect that I have passed 2000 characters at this point and note that I am only allowed to have complaints that can be qualified within 2000 characters hyphen despite the fact that both email and databases such as are likely to be involved with a web based feedback form hyphen commonly are capable of accepting significantly more than 2000 characters when correctly configured full stop Despite being at work hyphen I find myself yearning more and more for strong drink and heavy pain killers full stop

Detailing the outcome that I seek becomes more complex full stop I would like your telephone staff to in future provide service that is more in parallel with that which is expected in a customer context hyphen rather than the equestrian context which I seem to have been on the receiving end of thus far full stop I would like my banking products to work as I expect them too comma without extended comma embarrassing phone calls to rude people who insist on my disclosure of extensive personal information despite having no privacy full stop

I would like my internet banking pin number to remain current for more than a month full stop

I would like compensation for the hours of frustration open bracket approximately 8 thus far comma my day rate as a consultant is dollar sign 2000 forward slash day for a single days work or dollar sign 550 forward slash day for roles lasting more than 3 months full stop If an additional 2 months and 30 days of frustration will be required comma please note that I would prefer to forego this fee in favor of an acknowledgment that un hyphen ending frustration and the absence of customer service are inherent in dealing with bank name close bracket full stop

I would like to be remunerated for 20 minutes in a taxi with the meter running because somebody made a bit of a mistake activating my card full stop This came to dollar sign 26 full stop

I would like someone to discuss with me my loan application comma taking into consideration the fact that while my financial history is far from ideal hyphen that apostrophe s why I apostrophe m seeking a consolidation loan and noting that while my history is not ideal hyphen my income is significant and my assets are not insubstantial and that I would easily be able to manage the payment schedule for the loan in question full stop

I would ideally like these things to happen in a fashion that recognizes the facts that I work in a remote and rural location and my time in metropolitan areas is at a premium full stop

In the far more likely circumstance that the outcome from this complaint will be a form letter and no response comma I would at least appreciate if this communication was forwarded around internally so that I might one day become an internet meme demonstrating the useless fury of bank customers comma helpless at the hands of institutions who are in competition to see who can be the least beneficial to their customers full stop

Ah comma unsurprisingly it appears that Only the following characters are allowed a to z comma A hyphen Z comma 0 to 9 full stop As my complaint contains unsuitable characters full stop such as punctuation full stop I can only assume that a skilled torturer was involved in the development of this process full stop In the spirit of ensuring that my complaint remains contextually correct comma I have replaced the punctuation with strings as allowed by your web hyphen page full stop I would note that this has added rather a number of characters to my complaint and may lead to this complain arriving in an even larger number of segments full stop If this inconveniences you open bracket as it has inconvenienced me close bracket please take this issue up with your website developer full stop I can apostrophe t imagine that he forward slash she is unfamiliar with complains of this nature if this is his forward slash her default method of sanitizing data inputs full stop I would also note that when creating this form, it has been misleadingly implied that a maximum of 2000 characters can be input full stop More correctly comma a maximum of 1999 characters can be input full stop On behalf of all future parties obliged to make a complaint of more 2000 characters hyphen please correct this misleading information. I would also note that despite returning to the complaints page after submitting a complaint hyphen the page does not retain the identification information previously input full stop An irritating factor that forces unnecessary duplication of effort that could be easily avoided by a website developer or usability tester who was paying attention full stop

In fondest hope comma
My name was is already on all of the form submissions full stop
open bracket N full stop B full stop this complaint may arrive in multiple parts comma as I appear to have found more than 400 words worth of things wrong with bank name full stop close bracket
P full stop S full stop in some places, the segments of this complain may not match exactly as I was forced to return to my document editor numerous times in an attempt to reformat my document to meet this form apostrophe s bizarre requirements full stop I trust that it will not be as difficult comma tiring comma frustrating ampersand unnecessarily irritating to reconstruct as it was to construct in a fashion that your form would accept full stop In other circumstances I would apologize for any inconvenience however at this juncture comma I do not feel that apologize to your company are warranted full stop

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